USDA Food Pyramid Mystery

(sam fields - 4MEN staff)
8:00 a.m.
I'm sitting here at home, eating breakfast because I'm hungry after just having sex. Every guy should have sex in the morning, it's good for raising your testosterone levels.

I'm looking at the milk carton checking to see if Mom put my picture on it again...I haven't talked to her for a week or so.

And there it was. A picture of the food pyramid.

It's a strange looking thing and it's something I never really paid attention to. Vern however, my dad's brother's brother in-law in Florida is a health nut. I wanted his input.

I gave him a ring.

"Oh yeah" he says..."I follow the food pyramid to the letter of the law". He told me he consumes the recommended 6-11 servings of bread and pasta every single day, as well as 2-4 servings of fruits and 3-5 servings of vegetables. He also has a glass of milk and a piece of meat with every meal, including breakfast.

I got my calculator out and started tapping on the keys.

"Vern, this amounts to approximately 120 apples a month, plus around 300 slices of bread. With some 20-25 slices of bread per loaf, that's, like, 14 or 15 loaves of bread a month," I told him.

"Yeah, it's hard to keep up sometimes," admitted the 5'7", 320 pound Florida native. "But I figure, hey, if the USDA doesn't know what's good for me, who does?"

After speaking more with Vern, he told me he began the USDA diet eight months ago and that regular injections of insulin help his body process the enormous carbohydrate load that the "food pyramid" subjects him to.

"If that's what it takes to eat what the government thinks is a well-balanced diet, then that's what I gotta do, ain't it!," he said confidently. His wife, Patty, is less than enthused about her husband's newfound adherence to the federal guidelines.

"Let's just say he's plumping up nicely" as she hung up the phone.


Until next time,

Sam