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Men are Pigs

"The law of the jungle"


Professor Ellis-4MEN Health staff

Yeah, yeah, men are swine—we’ve heard it a million times. But is it true? Sure, we’ll eat anything that isn’t made of metal or recognizably derived from members of our own species. And we do love to wallow in filth: locker rooms, smelly apartments, last week’s underwear.

But pigs have corkscrew-shaped penises (a.k.a."pizzle cords") and we don’t, so the analogy crumbles. Man is a complex animal, and to get to the heart of what it means to be a guy-as multifaceted as we are-we’ll have to hunt a little deeper in the animal kingdom.

Male behavior: We adhere to a strict Guy Code.
The Guy Code may be unwritten, but it’s perfectly clear: Never steal beer. Never offer help to a guy building a fire unless he asks. And, most important of all, never, ever sleep with your buddy’s girlfriend, no matter what she’s wearing.
The randy male hamadryas baboons of Somalia have a similar code. The average baboon guy keeps two or three girls around all the time, and yes, he has no problem stealing baboon babes away from the harems of strangers. But he will never, ever try to steal the girlfriend of a guy from the same sleeping area. It simply isn’t an option. They also never steal beer-at least they never get caught.

Male behavior: We belch without shame.
Though it may not be the polite thing to do, nothing caps off a good meal better than a loud, guttural belch. Well, we’re not the only primate that recognizes this truth. At feeding time, gorillas spread out around the forest and enjoy their meals in relative privacy. Because they don’t like to lose contact with one another, however, they will often grunt and burp loudly so that other gorillas can hear, as if to let their feeding neighbors know that "these leaves are good," or "we have to come back to this place again," or "if I eat another foot and a half of tree bark, I’m gonna puke."

Male behavior: We have "commitment issues."
When the passion in our relationship subsides (i.e., the moment we hit the bedroom jackpot), we bolt in search of greener pastures. Elephants are no less skittish. Since female elephants are only fertile once every five years, a male elephant can spend a considerable portion of his life desperately courting a frigid but flirtatious lady. He’ll stick his trunk down her throat, stroke her privates, and nuzzle and snuggle with her for up to the entire five years. But when the male’s persistence is finally rewarded with a colossal orgasm, he dumps her and goes back to his bachelor friends to recount the intimate details of his five-year fling. (And remember, elephants never forget.)

Male behavior: We’re overly aggressive in business.
Appropriately, our national symbol mimics the classic American male strategy for getting ahead. When a bald eagle is too tired to hunt, he mugs a fish-carrying bird in midair, forcing it to drop its dinner, then catches the fish before it hits the ground. Or he’ll swoop down on a lounging sea otter (they eat while floating on their backs) and snatch the food right off the otter’s belly. When the going’s really tough, he’ll barge in on a scavenger party, shooing away crows and vultures to take the prime position atop a fresh animal carcass.
"That’s Washington for you," says one cynical otter, who’s been mugged 12 times in the last two weeks and is now thinking of voting Democrat.

Male behavior: We play the "sensitive" card.
We know what most women want: They want sensitive guys, vulnerable guys, guys in touch with their inner children. Do we fit the profile? Hell, no. But we can fake it. So can the akoushi, a South American rodent. To attract a female, this instinctual bullshitter cries like a baby, begs like a hungry child, and shivers in fake timidity when a female approaches. And wouldn’t you know it? The weakest, squishiest akoushi usually succeeds in bedding a female. Of course, if the sensitive act doesn’t work, the akoushi male sprays the female with piss, marking her as his territory and forcing her to put out.

Male behavior: We love nothing more than wasting time.
Given two weeks of disability time, would you work day and night to discover a cure for the Ebola virus, or would you spend that free stretch getting in touch with Cheers reruns and Sega hockey? Thought so.
Since sea lions are almost perfectly suited to life on the California coast-they’re fast, agile swimmers, they eat readily available food, and they know the difference between real and silicone breasts-they don’t have to work particularly hard to survive. So, instead of sweating out their livings, they pass the vast majority of their time playing: diving off rocks, climbing boulders, body-surfing, and-more and more frequently-channel-surfing.

Male behavior: We eat, drink, sleep, and breathe sex.
Apparently our perverse fascination is inherited. Bonobos, often called the gentle apes, are our close relatives; they’re also some of the most oversexed animals on the planet. Oral sex, Kama Sutra positions, lesbianism-they do it all, in public. A typical bonobo will participate in some kind of sex act almost every hour and is usually watching others when he’s not involved in the frolicking himself. Despite the repeated warnings of jungle elders, there has never been credible evidence to support the suggestion that these debauched bonobos end up with hairy palms.

You'll never watch the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet the same from this point on.
Class dismissed.

In search of truth,
Academically yours,
Professor Ellis
4MEN Staff

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