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Premature Ejaculation Help

It was the premature ejaculation help "stop-start" method that pushed my fiancée, Tara, over the edge.

What with so much stopping and so little starting, not to mention all my various instructions--"Slow down, easy, easy, okay, go ahead, stop, I said stop!"--she finally blurted out, "Are we having sex or parking a car?"

As she jumped out of bed and reached for her clothes, I pleaded, "Wait. . . . You can't just get up and go--"

"Why not? That's what you do every time we have sex."

I stammered and said something about lasting 10 seconds--2 more than last month. She said something about menopause and how maybe we'd be able to have sex for a whole minute by then.

"I'm so sick and tired of saying, It's okay, really,' every time we have sex," she yelled. "It's not okay! This is your problem, not mine. And if you don't get it figured out by the time I get back from Hong Kong, the engagement is off!"

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My Battle with Premature Ejaculation

Premature ejaculation (PE) has been, without a doubt, the single greatest factor in the formation of my character. Whenever someone asks me why I pursued a degree in clinical sexology and became a sex therapist, I always say it's because of my struggles with PE and the years of quiet desperation I endured.

I still remember when my college girlfriend first went on the Pill. I was terrified. Until then, a condom lined with lidocaine (a numbing agent that rendered me barely able to feel my penis) had been my first line of defense. The sex wasn't pleasurable, but at least it wasn't totally humiliating.

The first time we made ungloved love, I was overwhelmed by the sensations: the slippery warmth, the wetness of being inside her. It felt so amazing; I wanted desperately to savor the experience. But it was out of my control. On my very first thrust, I went in, but I didn't make it out. And as I lay on top of her--defeated, depleted--I cried. I wanted to make love like a man, but I was a little boy, incapable of controlling my bodily functions.

I considered PE my tragic downfall and believed myself cursed with an Achilles penis. Today, at least I know I'm not alone. Indeed, whenever I see a commercial for Viagra or one of its new competitors, I get ticked off: Why isn't the media talking about PE? According to urologists Andrew McCullough, M.D., of the New York University school of medicine, and James Barada, M.D., of the Albany College of Medicine, PE is the number-one sexual health problem afflicting men, and is three times more common than erectile dysfunction (ED). Estimates vary, but 20 percent to 30 percent of men suffer from PE--and those figures are based on self-reported studies.

Genetic Predisposition?

But what if premature ejaculation isn't a curse after all, but simply "survival of the fastest"? According to Mark Jeffrey Noble, M.D., a consultant to the Cleveland Clinic Glickman Urological Institute, "One might find some logical sense, from an evolutionary point of view, to the idea that males who can ejaculate rapidly would be more likely to succeed in fertilizing a female than those males who require prolonged stimulation to reach climax."

So in that sense, maybe PE isn't a sexual dysfunction at all--it's a completely normal way of functioning, based on male physiology. That's why we should stop calling it "premature" ejaculation and come up with a new, more accurate term: "immature ejaculation."

Because, frankly, that's what it is: an immature way of doing things that largely stems from the way we're taught, or rather, not taught, to masturbate in childhood.

Jim Shaw