sex therapy

Professor Ellis-4MEN Health staff

I’ve always been suspicious of those people who bounce into 8 a.m. lecture all coherent, cheery-like and inexplicably glowing—even when the sun’s rays haven’t penetrated their dorm room for weeks.

How do they do it? Is it possible these creatures manage to finish their homework, housework and work work by nine, get up at five for a morning jog, Bikram yoga and bowl of Wheaties before class, plus fit in weekly sessions of therapy, tanning booths and miscellaneous social enrichment? No, I suppose not. They’re probably just having tons of sex.

In what may be the most appealing scientifically proven way to improve your health, researchers link frequent sexual activity to everything from lowering cholesterol to improving intelligence. Consider this your Rx. Just call it sex therapy.

For our purposes, let’s define sex as anything you do with your lover, hi-speed Internet connection, or Ruby Clit Teaser 5000 that you wouldn’t do with your hair dresser, deodorant or microwave.

Sex is like any other cardio workout. So any time you hear a study lauding the benefits of exercise, drop the “ercise” and add an “s.” It improves circulation, increases your heart rate, boosts your metabolism and burns 350 calories an hour. Especially if you’re a “top,” sex can be very effective at toning your muscles. In fact, Men’s Health magazine calls the bed “the single greatest piece of exercise equipment ever invented.” They would.

The British Medical Journal reports that in a study of 1,000 men, those with the highest frequency of orgasm had a mortality rate half that of the average man. Scottish neuropsychologist Dr. David Weeks confirmed in another study that sex slows the aging process and increases longevity. Hawaiian lecturer Dr. Paul Pearsall has shown that regular sex boosts the immune system.

Still more studies report that men who have intercourse at least three times a week decrease their risk of suffering a heart attack or stroke by half. Ejaculating more than five times a week cuts risk of prostate cancer by a third.

We always knew that sex and hormones endlessly cycle like chickens and eggs, but new findings prove the health benefits of the hormones that are increased with sexual activity—yet another reason to jog horizontally. Testosterone fortifies muscles and bones. Estrogen eases PMS. Oxytocin—five times more abundant at orgasm—alleviates pain from arthritis and migraines, helps heal wounds and releases endorphins. Endorphins dull pain and make people happy. Happy people make life pleasant.

Psychologist Gordon Gallup reports that women who absorb prostaglandin, a hormone specific to semen, have lower rates of depression than those who don’t. Of course, if the said semen leaves the woman in question with an STD or unwanted pregnancy, its anti-depressant qualities don’t do jack.

Your immune system also benefits from a regular romp. One Pennsylvania study showed a 30 percent increase in antibodies for those who had sex once a week. I think that would be thrice a week in California, you know, with the time change and all.

Anyone who gets a daily dose will tell you that sex also feels good. This time I’m not even being sarcastic. Things that feel good ease tension and stress. It’s been shown that sex can treat sleep disorders. Well, yeah—if you exhaust your body and relax your mind, you will sleep better. I’ve also been told that sex can cure those afflicted by I-can’t-stop-peeling-the-label-of-my-beer syndrome.

But wait, there’s more. For just three easy payments of orgasm, sex will also make you smarter. According to German researcher Werner Habermehl, subjects who had regular sex registered more brain activity than those who did not. He explains that increased amounts of adrenaline and cortisol, which accompany sex, stimulate gray matter.

Honestly, can you think of a more efficient study break?

Class dismissed.

In search of truth,
Academically yours,
Professor Ellis
4MEN Staff