Ever wondered what is involved in making a deposit in a sperm bank?
Are deposit slips needed? Coffee and stale cookies in the lobby? Do they have a drive-through?
I have been, as they say, researching the facts because I'm thinking about taking the big plunge and earning some cash for sperm donation.
Surprisingly, since I stopped surfing for porn I've noticed two things ... I've got an enourmous amount of free time on my hands and my mind has a tendency to wander ... so, Sammy looked through the yellow book and found the nearest sperm bank.
I was out the door, in my car and hoping to not come away empty handed.
Why are sperm donors needed?
I asked the sperm-bank teller that question. "For some infertile couples the man does not produce sperm or sometimes, the case is simply the man has a very substandard sperm quality. Quite a few couples have decided that using donor sperm is the only practical way to try to have children. For some women, using sperm from a donor programme is a way of having children which is free of risk and complications" she told me. "Oh really!" I said. "You know my uncle Carl from Alabama only has one testicle, he lost it in a poker match. Actually it was in a fight over the poker match...I was wondering..."
Who can donate sperm?
"Could he?" I blurted out.
I could see the teller lady was now starting to open up to me by the way she glared up at me from her desk.
"If you're a healthy and responsible male, aged between 18 and 50 years you might be able to donate sperm to a sperm bank. If you have good quality semen. The first step is to see how well your sperm survives freezing and thawing. This is because sperm is stored frozen in liquid nitrogen until it is used. For 50% of men, poor sperm survival prevents them from becoming donors. Clinics, like Fertility Associates perform the necessary checks and tests" she said without taking a breath.
I kinda felt like I was just recited the sperm donor's miranda
What's the sperm donation process?
I told her I've been increasing my testosterone levels so there shouldn't be any problems.
I sucked my gut in and asked her where do I enlist. She said that semen samples are normally produced by masturbation and that condoms can't be used because they contain spermicides or release chemicals from the rubber that can damage sperm. She also told me I would be required to abstain from sex or masturbation for three days' before each donation so that my sperm numbers build up to a maximum.
Hmmmm, I guess Mary's gonna have to...
Just then the teller lady kicked into high gear. "Semen needs to be frozen within one and a half hours of collection. At each donation, we will ask to you fill out a "lifestyle declaration" form, which is similar to that used by blood donors. This is designed to identify anyone with an increased risk of having been exposed to AIDS. It's possible for semen to pass on sexually transmitted disease, even if frozen, and so strict guidelines are followed to ensure that this cannot happen. Our semen collections are routinely screened for syphilis, hepatitis, HIV (AIDS), Chlamydia, gonorrhea, and your blood group."
"Today, You will be interviewed by a specialist doctor. The interview involves taking note of your medical and family history, a physical examination including a rectal exam and an opportunity to answer any futher questions you may have."
"A rectal exam? I'm only 32?"
"It's required. You may also sign your consent form then if you wish. You will be asked to freeze a number of samples. The number depends on the sperm quality and how well the sperm survive freezing. Samples can be given over a time frame that suits you."
The last thing I heard the sperm bank teller lady say was rectal exam. When a guy hear's that phrase, it just kinda sticks in his head.
Can I just have a calender please...
Sam Fields - Men's Health