Hormone imbalance
Men have all sorts of things coursing through our bodies: blood, saliva, urine, an intense hatred for male hypogonadism and Richard Simmons.
Nothing, though, defines the male of the species like testosterone. Too little testosterone, and you're Jerry Lewis in one of his asinine movies. But too much, and you find yourself wearing shimmery male bikini briefs, coated in baby oil and posing on some junior high school stage hoping to win a ribbon in a regional 35-and-older bodybuilding competition.  Even the drug's discovery is caked in virility. Testosterone -- now called "the original anabolic steroid" -- was first extracted from bull testicles in 1935.
And now I'm going to find out -- scientifically -- where I stand on the hairy and muscular rungs of the testosterone ladder. Eight days ago, I ordered an in-home hormone test from one of the online companies shilling "Simple testing of saliva at home." Hormones and AgingI'm starting to get up there in age. And because of this, sometimes I can't ... well let's just say sometimes Petey wants to stay sleeping. It's not really my fault though .. honestly.
First, so that the company could tailor a test to fit my needs, I was asked to answer a series of online questions regarding any current symptoms or medical conditions. Do I suffer from mood swings? Check. Irritability? Sure. Anxiety? Right on. Fogged thinking? What were we talking about again? Dozens of questions later, I find myself experiencing throat pain, a ringing in my ears, breast tenderness. If there were write-in boxes I'd tell them about my hot flashes and half-hour crying jags where I just want to lie in the fetal position with my forehead pressed against the cool tile floor of the bathroom.
I am directed, finally, to a test called The Sexy Years Special ($140), which is apparently designed for elderly, libido-challenged men and menopausal or post-menopausal women. But it does test testosterone (along with progesterone and three other hormones I've never heard of), so I figure it will work. Two days later, the mailman delivers an unmarked box containing a few small plastic vials. I fill these with saliva (my own) and return the vials to the lab for testing. The results, I'm told, will fall basically within five ranges: Low, Below Average, Average, Above Average and High. I'll get my results in ten days or so. "Hormones become imbalanced with age" I tell Mary laying on the other side of the bed. "With us guys, Testosterone is the most important and I want to know what my levels are."
Mary doesn't seem to be listening to me. She's now up looking for fresh batteries. Sam Fields
|
